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One Liners – Funny Quotes

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.

Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.

If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.


15 Responses to One Liners – Funny Quotes

  1. Shakabansh5 January 8, 2012 at 4:25 PM #

    perfict quotes than;s

  2. Shakabansh5 January 8, 2012 at 4:25 PM #

    perfict quotes than;s

  3. draniqa January 5, 2012 at 2:33 PM #

    all quotes are quite funny , thanks for sharing this .

  4. Fencing Liverpool January 5, 2012 at 12:38 PM #

    My friend has a boyfriend named Reese, but we all call him
    Peanut Butter cup….what type of one liners or jokes she tell him? She wanted
    something to say during sex but we are looking for all types of jokes!

  5. promotional gifts January 5, 2012 at 11:06 AM #

    I’m having trouble thinking of some good yet tricky questions and their
    answers, though! So… can anyone think of some good meiosis q’s?

    Nothing too hard, tho, pls. Thanks in advance!

  6. seo comapny January 5, 2012 at 10:56 AM #

    Im making a screen saver and i need some funny quotes like Harry Potter
    is better than pie.You would usually see them on youtube if you type in
    Harry potter icons.

  7. HAIDER ALI786 January 5, 2012 at 10:10 AM #

    NICE ONE SARA

  8. Junedayz January 4, 2012 at 10:44 PM #

    LOOOOL! I like the children one…
    infact i like them all!!!!
    >>I can’t log in with my yahoo…anyone else having this issue?

  9. Akram January 4, 2012 at 3:50 PM #

    “If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.”I was thinking of skydiving but I changed my mind.. Thanks Sara for saving my life 🙂

    • Sara January 5, 2012 at 1:53 AM #

      lol. Thanks!

  10. Abier January 4, 2012 at 8:31 AM #

    “If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.”
    i lie a lot then…
    nice quotes 🙂

  11. Iqbalmalpara January 4, 2012 at 7:56 AM #

    Good job

  12. Captazad January 4, 2012 at 6:47 AM #

    One of the best Emails, I ever received. good job.keep it up.and thanx.

    • Sara January 4, 2012 at 8:46 AM #

      Thanks!!!