One Liners – Funny Quotes

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.

Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.

If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.